Problems In The Bedroom?

Apparently, you're not alone.  One American company has come to the rescue of all the couples out there suffering in silence.  In fact apparently not only can they help you but 'you owe it to your marriage' to try their product. 

Yes ladies and gentlemen, the people at Better Marriage Blanket have created a fart eliminating blanket that "Contains the same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons"

Don't believe me? Watch the advert: 

Is this really a problem for people? I mean really? My suggestion to anyone having problems in the bedroom and debating buying this product is simple. Don't. Take your $39.95 and spend it at Bedtime Flirt instead.  I assure you, flatulence will be the last thing on your mind.
 

A Battle of Giants

I never thought the day would come when I would be writing a blog about sport! Me and sport don’t mix too well usually but like a lot of people come June I’m dusting of my old racket and heading to the court inspired by the goings on at SW19.

For anyone that doesn’t watch Wimbledon, an epic battle has been occurring on court 18 between Mahut & Isner. And I mean, epic . . .

Having played for 3 hours on Tuesday evening the match resumed yesterday for the final set. Over 7 hours of fabulous tennis later and the match was once again suspended with 59 games a piece, due to darkness. 7 hours of tennis!

To say this is a record breaking match is an understatement. The match has smashed a tonne of records and at 10hours of play it’s still not over!

As they discussed whether or not to halt the match last night the crown chanted ‘We want more, we want more’. Now I’m sorry but this isn’t some Gladiatorial battle to the death (although looking at the players, Isner especially, you could be forgiven for thinking that). I understand the reaction of the crowd, they were watching an astonishing event but a bit of understanding for God sake. It was quite clear by anyone’s reckoning that these guys had had enough.

The 5th set continues late this afternoon. I would suspect it might be over fairly quickly as both men are surely suffering unimaginably at this point. So tune in and watch the finale of a historic event.

There's Something About Hay

Please enjoy some very unusual signage spotted in Hay on Wye during my visit earlier this month.

Top left sign – ‘Stirfrieds’.  Not a major mistake by any means but it's not often I get the opportunity to correct someone else's writing abilities *cough*. 

Also, I would like to add that I would never be remotely tempted to eat somewhere called 'Circus Sauce'.  That sounds unhygienic in so many ways.

The next photo is better, I promise:

‘Farmerish’ foods. What exactly would ‘farmerish’ food be? Not quite from a farm but it did drive past a few on the way to the café perhaps?

Finally and definitely the best is the below. I will hold my hands up though and say that I didn’t spot this sign.  I have pilfered it from my friends blog to post on here. Sorry Jon. I will post a link to his blog though so I think that’s fair enough. This is the link.

Anyway here's the pic:

‘Phil The Fruit’. Finally a greengrocer with the personal touch. No one can weigh your kiwis with the expertise of our Phil. Please note, there’s a strict no melon policy.

Please Allow Me To Introduce Myself

Well ladies and gentlemen. After much debate I’ve finally settled on an identity for my new alter ego. And the winner is (drum roll please) . . . . .

Ophelia Nightly.

I love it. It’s cute, naughty and manages to avoid all S&M connotations. Phew. Also, it works quite well with my Irish accent and means that I can stock up on midnight blue corsetry.  Hurrah! It’s a win win.

As for its origin, well, in a rather intriguing turn of events, one of my colleagues produced the name from his head after about 2 seconds of consideration. I’m very grateful but also a little concerned as to how long, and why, this name has been drifting around in there. Still, ahem, lets not dwell on that!

I’d like to thank you for all the suggestions I received, some welcome, some umm well libellous! Mostly though, they made me laugh and who could ask for more than that?

You’ll be happy to know that the Vaudeville in my mind has gone into overdrive and I’m ready to take to the stage. Mentally that is, physically I still have quite a bit of work to do. Drat.

Keep watching this space though. Who knows what might lie ahead for Ophelia and I.

Last night in burlesque we tried our hand at bra peeling. It was a really fun but exhausting evening as we learnt to present and remove our bras in a routine that featured a shocking amount of smacking! Not my usual Tuesday night fare I assure you. Still, standing in a mirrored room of women wearing bras over their gym kit while smacking their arses, doesn’t seem too strange to me these days.

I’m loving life right now!

A Trip To Florence

Thursday the 10th June saw me, my husband and some friends standing in Coopers field, Cardiff waiting for Florence & The Machine to come on stage.  As excited as a kitten, I'd been looking forward to this concert for quite a while.  

Since listening to the album 'Lungs' at the end of 2009 I've been rapidly falling in love with Florence Welch.  I'm afraid as well as a wonderful ethereal voice and legs that don't seem to end, Florence also has a wardrobe I would give my right eye for.  

The concert was held in a large, open circus tent and it was a little claustrophobic as around 30,000 fans tried to inch towards the stage.  Thankfully we'd claimed our spot reasonably early and had a relatively good view. 

I freely admit to being a bit of an odd concert go-er.  While a view is wonderful, I seem to spend most of my time with my eyes closed just letting the music wash over me.  The sound at Coopers field was, as expected for such a large gig, pretty shite.  However, we were close enough to be able to feel the music and hear it reasonably well.  Anytime poor Florence spoke however, I don't think any of us heard a word.  Still, lets be honest, I wasn't there to hear how she'd spent her day. I was there to hear her sing and sing she did!

The concert kicked of with 'Howl' which is one of my favorites from the album.  A savage song, about carnal lust which I just can't get enough of: 

"The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hallowed ground"

This raw, animalistic sentiment is in a lot of her songs and when you consider her porcelain appearance, you'd be forgiven for thinking the concert would be a rather tame affair but far from it, the girl performed with a wild fury that really befits her lyrics.

Florence also performed a new track which sounded fantastic. I think it was called 'Strageness', although to be fair, with the poor sound I could be completely wrong. 

Other personal highlights included, Girl With One Eye, Cosmic Love, Dog Days Are Over and Rabbit Heart.  All of which built to a rather orgasmic climax.

The only negatives of the night were the crappy sound and the claustrophobic heat.  I left craving a bottle of water, longer set list, 2nd album & another concert!

Nothing Like a Bit of Affirmation In The Morning

As I sat on the bus this morning I noticed an oddly life affirming piece of graffiti scored into the back of the seat in front of me.

‘Live my life. Live life - love life’

It brightened my morning to think of some ‘yoof’ in hooded top and low riding jeans carving secretly into the back of the seat while others looked on shaking their heads and muttering "bloody kids" under their breath.

I was tempted to take a photograph of it but alas someone sat on the seat in front and I didn’t want them to think I was taking a photo of their arse.

Cover Version

Just watched last week’s episode of The Blame Game (Norn Ire’s version of Have I Got News You) and it had a classic line in it.

While discussing Ronan Keating’s much publicised affair with a model that looks just like his wife one member of the panel piped in with:

“Only a member of Boyzone would end up doing a cover of his wife”

I'm sure Ronan's wife didn't find it particularly funny.  Still, made me laugh.

Prince of Where?

Yesterday my hubby and I decided we were long overdue a trip to the cinema. To be honest, it was slim picking with regards to movies but we settled on ‘The Prince of Persia’ or as it’s better known among my circle of friends ‘The Shirtless Jake Gyllenhaal Movie’.

I have to admit it wasn’t too bad at all. Enough action and one liners to keep my interest perked without overdoing it and it looked rather impressive as well.

One thing that was a little distracting however was Jake Gyllenhaal’s accent. In the movie his character seems to have an English accent. Which is lovely and to my ears, not a bad effort, but, every so often it veered into Russell Brand! My Persian history is limited, granted, but I’m not sure that Russell Brand is the best person to base your Persian Prince on.

Still, the movie gets a thumb up because Jake Gyllenhaal looked superb and it wasn’t overly long like most bloody films these days!

If you happen to be scared of snakes by the way I would give this film a wide wide birth. It does have some truly horrendous snake moments!