Friday, 15 June 2012

A Million Tones of Rage

Only 2 months ago I expressed my horror at the rise in literary erotica.  Now look what you all went and did...

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, in a cave, at the bottom of the sea, you’ll have noticed that the world seems to have gone buck daft for a series of 'books' called “Fifty Shades of Grey” or, as I shall be referring to them from now on, “Fifty Shades of Shite (Shame on You)”. 

Let me make it clear from the start, this is a very biased, uninformed rant. I haven’t read the ‘books’ and I won’t be reading the ‘books’. The reasons I haven’t submitted to the particular charms of "The Fifty Shades of Shite (Shame on You)" trilogy are manifold and include: 
  1. I don’t tend to read porn 
  2. I definitely don’t read porn than started life as a Twilight fanfiction! 
  3. I don’t particularly enjoy reading books that haven’t been edited. 
  4. I definitely don’t enjoy reading non edited twilight porn that promotes sexually submissive relationships to tweens that have simply run out of copies of Robert Pattison’s Unauthorised Biography to paw over. 
There are other reasons but I think I’ll stick to those for now. 

If you do happen to have been living under a rock, in a cave, at the bottom of the sea, then let me enlighten you a little. From the many many many reviews, facebook status updates, tweets, and blogs posts I have skimmed and skipped, I have sketched the following brief synopsis:

“50 Shades of Shite (Shame on You)” is a Mills & Boon (aka Granny Porn) style ‘book’ that charts the romantic relationship of a multibillionaire entrepreneur (Christian Grey) and a shy young virgin girl. Unfortunately love is never straight forward is it? Yes, our devilishly handsome, unfathomably rich, brooding hero has a bit of a quirk. He just so happens to be heavily into S&M and submissive relationships. 

Never fear, our beautiful Adonis, with the extremely large wallet can easily take care of that pesky virginity thing so our couple can get down to the real stuff of true relationships . Bring on the gag!  Whips and chains can still lead to a loving relationship however. You know as long as you shut the fuck up and do what you’re told. 

I’m well aware that I shouldn’t judge what I haven’t read but you know what? I don’t need to read something to know that’s it not my thing. I don’t read erotica, I never have. It’s not that I object to sex in books. I just don’t read books for sexual titillation. So erotica has never appealed to me. Also, from (the admittedly little) erotica I have had the misfortune to read, the quality leans towards the bleeding awful. 

These ‘books’ appear to be nothing more than porn for bored housewives and the tweens of ‘generation sex’ who consider themselves so sexually forward they idolise a virgin vampire that refuses to sleep with his girlfriend until they are married (also, he might you know, break her). Yep, way to push the limits next generation. 

Like I said, I have no problem with sex in books what I have a problem with is shite writing making it to the top of best seller list. What I have a problem with is friends approaching me with “Hey, you read books. Have you read these Christian Grey books, they’re amazing?” A very special mention here to the lovely friend who approached me yesterday with “Hey have you read these Fifty Shades of Grey books? I was reading it last night and thought of you. I thought God, Elaine would hate this”. Mystery friend, I love you for that. 

One thing that I have found strange about the whole phenomena is why people are admitting to  reading them? As far I am aware most women of my acquaintance are not spending their evenings reading Mills & Boon, so why these? I admit they’ve got appealing covers but so has 'The Sisters Brothers' (and I guarantee you it’s a much better read). Also, didn't sexual proclivities use to be a private thing?  Did I miss the memo that stated all sexual desires must be acknowledged, in detail on my Facebook timeline?

Anyway, I have to admit I feel better for getting that off my chest. I can maybe face the world (and eventually Facebook) for having ranted. All that’s left to say is if you have been affected by any of the issues raised in today’s post, then there is a solution … 

HAVE SOME SEX. It’s clearly been too long for you.


  1. Ah yes, Christian Grey, our brooding S&M loving hero I believe.

  2. Solidarity my sister! And may I say, very well said!

    Everyone, take heed of Elaine's wise words. If you get a thrill from Fifty Shades of Shite and other erotica volumes, have some sex, or find a better book to read. There are plenty of opportunities for both!

  3. This post has made me laugh so loud especially the end bit! I totally agree with everything your saying. A book that gets people reading is great but why is this drivel a best seller?! Haven't they ever picked up a really good well written book before?! I sound like such a snob I know but I for one will not be picking up this book!

    1. Thanks Becca. I'm beginning to believe that not all books that get people reading are necessarily a good thing! I've been accused of being a book snob many times but I don't think I am and well, if we Becca, it may not be a bad thing ;-).

    2. I was told to I had to read these books just the other day,but after that I dont think I will waste my time. thanks lany

  4. i read the first one but i had shingles so may not have been quite in my right mind....

    1. Thanks for comment Sian.

      Aww you're more than forgiven for submitting when you had shingles. In fact well done for picking up a book when you had shingles. I was ill when I read the Twilight novels and I fully blame my flu for that lapse in judgement.


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