A Million Tones of Rage

Only 2 months ago I expressed my horror at the rise in literary erotica.  Now look what you all went and did...

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, in a cave, at the bottom of the sea, you’ll have noticed that the world seems to have gone buck daft for a series of 'books' called “Fifty Shades of Grey” or, as I shall be referring to them from now on, “Fifty Shades of Shite (Shame on You)”. 

Let me make it clear from the start, this is a very biased, uninformed rant. I haven’t read the ‘books’ and I won’t be reading the ‘books’. The reasons I haven’t submitted to the particular charms of "The Fifty Shades of Shite (Shame on You)" trilogy are manifold and include: 

1. I don’t tend to read porn 
2. I definitely don’t read porn than started life as a Twilight fanfiction! 
3. I don’t particularly enjoy reading books that haven’t been edited. 
4. I definitely don’t enjoy reading non edited twilight porn that promotes sexually submissive relationships to tweens that have simply run out of copies of Robert Pattison’s Unauthorised Biography to paw over. 

There are other reasons but I think I’ll stick to those for now. 

If you do happen to have been living under a rock, in a cave, at the bottom of the sea, then let me enlighten you a little. From the many many many reviews, facebook status updates, tweets, and blogs posts I have skimmed and skipped, I have sketched the following brief synopsis:

“50 Shades of Shite (Shame on You)” is a Mills & Boon (aka Granny Porn) style ‘book’ that charts the romantic relationship of a multibillionaire entrepreneur (Christian Grey) and a shy young virgin girl. Unfortunately love is never straight forward is it? Yes, our devilishly handsome, unfathomably rich, brooding hero has a bit of a quirk. He just so happens to be heavily into S&M and submissive relationships. 

Never fear, our beautiful Adonis, with the extremely large wallet can easily take care of that pesky virginity thing so our couple can get down to the real stuff of true relationships . Bring on the gag!  Whips and chains can still lead to a loving relationship however. You know as long as you shut the fuck up and do what you’re told. 

I’m well aware that I shouldn’t judge what I haven’t read but you know what? I don’t need to read something to know that’s it not my thing. I don’t read erotica, I never have. It’s not that I object to sex in books. I just don’t read books for sexual titillation. So erotica has never appealed to me. Also, from (the admittedly little) erotica I have had the misfortune to read, the quality leans towards the bleeding awful. 

These ‘books’ appear to be nothing more than porn for bored housewives and the tweens of ‘generation sex’ who consider themselves so sexually forward they idolise a virgin vampire that refuses to sleep with his girlfriend until they are married (also, he might you know, break her). Yep, way to push the limits next generation. 

Like I said, I have no problem with sex in books what I have a problem with is shite writing making it to the top of best seller list. What I have a problem with is friends approaching me with “Hey, you read books. Have you read these Christian Grey books, they’re amazing?” A very special mention here to the lovely friend who approached me yesterday with “Hey have you read these Fifty Shades of Grey books? I was reading it last night and thought of you. I thought God, Elaine would hate this”. Mystery friend, I love you for that. 

One thing that I have found strange about the whole phenomena is why people are admitting to  reading them? As far I am aware most women of my acquaintance are not spending their evenings reading Mills & Boon, so why these? I admit they’ve got appealing covers but so has 'The Sisters Brothers' (and I guarantee you it’s a much better read). Also, didn't sexual proclivities use to be a private thing?  Did I miss the memo that stated all sexual desires must be acknowledged, in detail on my Facebook timeline?

Anyway, I have to admit I feel better for getting that off my chest. I can maybe face the world (and eventually Facebook) for having ranted. All that’s left to say is if you have been affected by any of the issues raised in today’s post, then there is a solution … 

HAVE SOME SEX. It’s clearly been too long for you.

Can't Put A Good Read Down

In between painting and covering everything in the house with masking tape, I've been doing but one thing.... Posting on Good Reads .

Good Reads is a community of book lovers, writers and readers that I seem to have become addicted to.  The one drawback I've encountered so far however is that I've been on there talking about books so much that I haven't actually been reading! A slight problem I admit.

However it does mean I can do things like this.....

Elaine's bookshelf: currently-reading

The Descendants

by Kaui Hart Hemmings

Look, I Made a Hat: Collected Lyrics (1981-2011) with Attendant Comments, Amplifications, Dogmas, Harangues, Wafflings, Anecdotes and Misc

by Stephen Sondheim

Ah the magic of the internet! Anyway if you, like me, want to shun your friends and become a sad internet recluse I suggest you sign up!  Oh and liking books may also be of benefit.

For the Enthusiast in Your Life

I came across this book the other day and couldn't really believe my eyes. Now I'm sorry, but surely there's something a little bit wrong with you if you buy a cookbook for your cats? I can barely be bothered cooking for my husband and I, yet alone a pet! I imagine though that if you are the kind of person to buy this then the probability is you have no one else to look after! Like this poor girl in her disastrous dating video perhaps?

The main reason for this post however is that this little book, strange as it is, reminded me of another classic I came across a couple of years ago. If you think that anyone cooking for their pets is a little unusual what kind of person do you think owns a copy of this:

Yes.  It is indeed a make your own sex toys book.  To get a full appreciation of this book please please have a 'look inside'.  

My particular favourite is the knitted gimp mask.  Why fork out for costly and uncomfortable PVC when you can create your own gimp mask from wool?  And honestly, What could be more versatile than the 'cat of as many tales as you want'?

I'm guessing the author of this book had his tongue firmly in cheek, no pun intended, while writing this, as had some of the reviewers for the product.  We can laugh but remember people, as the book says:

"...it's not just for loners. Making your own can help put the magic back into even the most jaded relationships"

A New Blog for Bookworms

Books these days seem to be covered in spiel.  Things such as "This book will change your life' or "I couldn't put it down" decorate almost all the books you see.  For the most part however, these little blurbs are far from the reality.  

Sick of the hyperbole my bookgroup has set up 'A Riotous Oil-Painting'.  A blog dedicated to giving you the lowdown on what the reviewer really should have said. 

So if you like books (or simply hate reviewers) and have ever been lured into purchasing by the promise of "A riotous oil-painting of senility, lust and greed", only to find a faded watercolour then mosey on over to the blog.

It's very much a work in progress at the moment so bear with us!

Fangtasy Lover

I’m in love. Truly, madly deeply in love. My husband can rest assured that I still love him but he’s also come to accept that sometimes a girl just needs a fantasy guy and boy do I have a fantasy guy. Let me introduce you to Eric Northman:

Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) is a Viking King turned vampire in the True Blood series. Yes that’s right, Northman the Viking and yes he’s a vampire (hey, I never claimed this was sophisticated stuff). You can keep your whining, not to mention celibate, Edward Cullen and the like. I’ve found myself a proper vampire with real bite!

If you haven’t watched True Blood or indeed read the truly appalling Charlaine Harris books, then you’ll have no idea who I’m talking about. I’m sorry for that but seriously, why aren’t you watching? It’s a sexy, gory, very funny show about hot vampires (The books on the other hand, well I’ve already commented on those here)

Of course anyone who knows me well will know that my obsession with the undead started many many years ago. In fact it started long before most of the bloody Twihard fans were even born. When I was just 11 years old I developed the mother of all crushes on this man, Alexander Lucard.

Alexander Lucard ran a global corporation by day and turned into the Prince of Darkness by night. What more could an 11 year old girl want in a crush than international success, billions of pounds, fangs and a cape? Unfortunately this little TV series (rather subtly called ‘Dracula: The Series’) didn’t last too long and I was left to dive into the murky world of vampire literature.

And what murky water it is! There is no lack of reading for anyone interested in vampire tales and mythology but my goodness some of it is truly awful. There are some gems of course but on the whole it’s pretty cringe worthy.

Anyway, back to Eric. Eric didn’t start life as every girls dream. In series 1 of the show he was this tall, gangly drudging fellow. However in series 2 the man positively bloomed and at this stage I’m struggling to watch series 3 without a paramedic standing by. Lets just say the boy got hot!

I would like to able to into a lovely analysis of the appeal of his character but to be fair I’m not that good a writer also, it’s True Blood for goodness sake, how deep can the character be? Instead I’ll leave you with a little taster of the man himself. 

Oh and if vampires aren’t your thing, True Blood has taken that into consideration. It also offers hot shape shifters, wolves and the occasional human.

Please Sir Can I Have Some Mores

Sometimes you can take etiquette a little too far as this (very funny & very out of context) line from the ‘Thirty Nine Steps’ shows:

"When he came back we dined together, and in com­mon decency I had to let him pump me."

Well as long as it's decent eh?

Dead Awful

Thanks to fabulous show that is True Blood, I have recently started reading the Charlaine Harris series of books that the show is based upon.  Anyone that has watched the show will tell you it's a sexy, irreverent, piece of drama with enough sex, violence & fangs to satisfy any gothic urges you may have.  The books on the other hand . . !  

Well with such snappy titles as Club Dead, Definitely Dead & All Together Dead you can understand why I was a little dubious cracking open the first book (Dead Until Dark in case you were wondering).  I must admit I was pleasantly surprised.  Don't get me wrong, I don't see Charlaine Harris walking off with a Booker prize anytime soon but 'Dead Until Dark' is a perfectly enjoyable bit of fluffy fantasy.  In fact, I was so surprised by how competent the first book was that I got myself the next 4 in the series.  

Oh, what foolish creatures we mortals can be!

The second in the series was readable, barely.  However and about ten pages from the end I had to put it down in shame when this Mills & Boon moment was unleashed from our brooding hero, Vampire Bill:  

'It's lovely, but you may be slightly overdressed for the occasion.'

'What occasion would that be?'

'The best sex of your life.'

Aagggghhhhh! 

 

Why then you ask did I pick up the third book this weekend?  I'm afraid I'm not sure.  Obviously some dark corner of my mind is using this series as a form of self flagellation for some unspoken crime.  Or maybe, just maybe, I'm hoping the books improve.  

That being said I think I'm really done now.  I just can't do it to myself any longer.  I've realised I love myself too much.  Oh and I have Charlaine Harris herself to thank for this revelation.  Nice and early into book 3 Charlaine gave me the push I needed to put the novels down for good.  Thank you Ms Harris.  Oh and in case you're curious, the offending paragraph is below: 

'BIll's Missing,' Pam said, shooting from the conversational hip.

'No, he's not.  He's in Seattle,' I said.  Willfully obtuse.  I had learned that word from my Word-A-Day calendar only that morning, and here I was getting to use it.

Umm yeah, someone might need to have a word with the narrator about what is wrong with this scene!