Normal Service Will Resume Shortly

As I currently have a very sore throat, I thought I would explain my lack of posts through the art of dingbats.

Which basically means:

 

Jesus, the New Usain Bolt?

I’m sort of infamous for my blonde moments. I’ve had a few crackers in my time which will haunt me for the rest of my days. However, after my friend’s comment this weekend I feel I can safely hand over my trophy for ‘Platinum Blonde Moment’.

While sitting beside Roath Park Lake staring out at the water, my super friend raised the following brainteaser:

“Do you think if you ran fast enough you could make it to the other side?”

After a moments reflection the unanimous response was “NO!”

Undeterred she continued, “No, but I mean if you ran really really fast?”

My husband replied “You know in the Bible when Jesus walks on water? I don’t think they meant us to interpret that as ‘he was a really good athlete’”

Bring On The Men

I’m not sure what happens to Cardiff in the sunshine but it seems no matter where I look the world is brimming with hot men! On my walk to work this morning it seemed that every man walking past me was straight out of a page in GQ.

My very understanding hubby won’t mind this new development too much I suspect. He’s found me ogling him too many times too mention! But after pondering this stroke of luck for the last hour or so, I feel that there are 3 possible reasons for this mornings man fest:

1. There just so happened to be a hot male model marathon passing by my route to work this morning. Hooray for me! What are the odds?
2. I’m due an eye test.
3. The ‘dirty thirties’ have kicked of early & I can expect to feel this hormonal from now on.

While I would love for it to be No.1, I have a feeling that I’m not quite that lucky & I know for certain that No.2 isn’t the reason. That leaves, alas, No.3.

Now, on the surface No.3 isn’t so bad. Ogling young men is a good & nourishing act. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a bit of window shopping to perk up your morning walk. However, as I have discovered this new hormonal me has its drawbacks. Take it from me people; it’s an oddly humiliating & grounding experience to find yourself stopped in the middle of the road licking your lips at the guy that stopped to let you pass.

Curse these mortal longings of mine!

Happy Fecking Birthday!

What do you get the kid who has everything for their birthday?  Apparently a heart attack, at least so the Swiss believe.

Dominic Deville is an entertainer who is hired by parents as a birthday 'treat' for their child.  Not only does he look like something out of a horror film but he actually stalks the child for a week before it's birthday leaving threatening notes, texts & prank calls!  The culmination of this week of 'fun' is a cake in the child's face.  So, nothing remotely sinister about that then!  Seriously, read the article in today's Metro.  It has to be read to be believed.  You can check out the article here. 

Now call me old fashioned  but I'm just not sure an evil stalking clown is what I'd been getting my (theoretical) child for it's birthday.  A pram or a bike perhaps might be more appropriate, however what do I know I'm not a parent?  

They say parenthood changes you.  What I didn't know is it turned you into a twisted psycho who thinks that a lifetime of counseling is a suitable birthday gift!!!*

All I can say is thank God this guy wasn't around when I was growing up.  I have a feeling my parents would have liked the idea.

* I know there are a LOT of exclamation marks in this blog post.  However I do feel it warrants a few more !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Equal Opportunities

Just come across this lovely advert for a Production Trainee at Channel 4.  It's opens with the line:

 "Disabled? Talented? It’s a win-win."

Umm i'm not sure they've quite gotten the hang of this equal opportunities malarky!

It's Back!

Bout ye!  Some exciting news for anyone from Northern Ireland or Scotland.  It seems that due due to popular demand (probably by out of work dentists) someone has seen fit to re-release Creamola Foam!  Creamola Foam for fecks sake.  Now rebranded as Kremola Fizz, this is indeed exciting news! 

For many years now I've been talking to my Welsh counterparts about this mythical product and they all thought I had lost my mind. Well it seems the good Lord in his wisdom has taken heed of my plight and bestowed the recipe on some lucky sod.  This time around though he also gave the bugger some business acumen as at £4 a tub nostalgia isn't cheap!  

I have many fond memories of this stuff however.  I remember slurping it from the glass before it exploded, the lovely fragrant scum left behind afterwards and lets not forget the ultimate endurance challenge, a spoonful straight from the tub!  Needless to say I'll be ordering my first tub shortly! 

I wonder if it will live up to my expectations? You can read more here.

No Strings Attached

It seems you can get almost anything delivered to your house these days. Anything from alcohol to cigarettes, roast dinners and umm tampons!?

Yes Ladies, thanks to 'Trinkets', you can now have a 'discreet' box of tampons dropped through your letterbox every 4 weeks as a beautiful reminder that you are about to go through hell or as the website prefers to puts it:

'Trinkets tampons will make you feel good about your period. Period!'

Make me feel good about my period? Really? I'm sorry but no amount of pretty packaging & soft pastels will make me feel happy that I'm about to shed my innards & have my entire body racked with stabbing pains, not to mention of course just generally feeling gross & devil like. Forget all that though ladies, look, cute packaging! See, now isn't that better?

Actually this isn't even the most nauseating marketing spiel I've encountered for tampons. Moxie wins that award hands down. The Moxie products are strewn with little mantras that make me want to throw up. Look at this little gem from their 'boudoir' range:

'Every day should be special . . . spoil yourself'

I'm sorry? Spoil myself? Unless there's a triple chocolate cake and bottle of Dom Perignon in the box I think I'm going to struggle to 'spoil myself' with a tampon! Oh, and in case some smart arse thinks they have the answer, I would like to add that the instructions strictly forbid use of more than one at a time.

As a smart, independent woman I would like to say that this type of marketing is offensive, demeaning and ineffective. However, as I actually own several of Moxie's 'purse worthy retro style tins' I can only hang my head in shame and tut loudly.

Alice, Alice, Who the F*ck Is Alice?

Well this week I’ve had my rather fabulous Mother over for a visit. Unlike most people I adore my parents coming to stay and we have a lot of fun. Over the last few days we’ve drunk too much, ate too much, walked too much and no doubt, spent too much. What could be better than a Tuesday afternoon spent sipping Champagne cocktails by the water, eh?

Apart from the wide variety of cocktails, one of the things we did was go to see Alice in Wonderland in 3D. If you haven’t seen it I would highly suggest you do.

The 3D is pretty damn stunning & the movie itself is just beautiful with one of the best casts I’ve seen in a long long time. Stephen Fry is sublime as the Cheshire Cat, Johnny Depp’s performance as the Mad Hatter is very touching & Anne Hathaway’s prissy White Queen made me laugh every time she was on screen.

Huge props to the young girl who plays Alice though. She was superb. I believe she was a complete unknown and yet she manages to hold her own in a rather spectacular cast. I imagine my performance in similar circumstances would have been a lot less accomplished & a lot more X rated (Johnny Depp still manages too look hot! How the hell does he do it?).

All in all it’s a fantastic film & if you get the chance, go see it, preferably in 3D!

As for my Mum, well she went home yesterday which is always depressing. However, spending the night dancing to Hey Big Spender in my latest Burlesque class helped ease the pain (metaphorically speaking. Physically my knees are killing me from ‘dippin it low’ all night).

Tonight I’m off to see Dirk Benedict from the A team aka The Face as Columbo.  I like my life.