A Million Tones of Rage

Only 2 months ago I expressed my horror at the rise in literary erotica.  Now look what you all went and did...

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, in a cave, at the bottom of the sea, you’ll have noticed that the world seems to have gone buck daft for a series of 'books' called “Fifty Shades of Grey” or, as I shall be referring to them from now on, “Fifty Shades of Shite (Shame on You)”. 

Let me make it clear from the start, this is a very biased, uninformed rant. I haven’t read the ‘books’ and I won’t be reading the ‘books’. The reasons I haven’t submitted to the particular charms of "The Fifty Shades of Shite (Shame on You)" trilogy are manifold and include: 

1. I don’t tend to read porn 
2. I definitely don’t read porn than started life as a Twilight fanfiction! 
3. I don’t particularly enjoy reading books that haven’t been edited. 
4. I definitely don’t enjoy reading non edited twilight porn that promotes sexually submissive relationships to tweens that have simply run out of copies of Robert Pattison’s Unauthorised Biography to paw over. 

There are other reasons but I think I’ll stick to those for now. 

If you do happen to have been living under a rock, in a cave, at the bottom of the sea, then let me enlighten you a little. From the many many many reviews, facebook status updates, tweets, and blogs posts I have skimmed and skipped, I have sketched the following brief synopsis:

“50 Shades of Shite (Shame on You)” is a Mills & Boon (aka Granny Porn) style ‘book’ that charts the romantic relationship of a multibillionaire entrepreneur (Christian Grey) and a shy young virgin girl. Unfortunately love is never straight forward is it? Yes, our devilishly handsome, unfathomably rich, brooding hero has a bit of a quirk. He just so happens to be heavily into S&M and submissive relationships. 

Never fear, our beautiful Adonis, with the extremely large wallet can easily take care of that pesky virginity thing so our couple can get down to the real stuff of true relationships . Bring on the gag!  Whips and chains can still lead to a loving relationship however. You know as long as you shut the fuck up and do what you’re told. 

I’m well aware that I shouldn’t judge what I haven’t read but you know what? I don’t need to read something to know that’s it not my thing. I don’t read erotica, I never have. It’s not that I object to sex in books. I just don’t read books for sexual titillation. So erotica has never appealed to me. Also, from (the admittedly little) erotica I have had the misfortune to read, the quality leans towards the bleeding awful. 

These ‘books’ appear to be nothing more than porn for bored housewives and the tweens of ‘generation sex’ who consider themselves so sexually forward they idolise a virgin vampire that refuses to sleep with his girlfriend until they are married (also, he might you know, break her). Yep, way to push the limits next generation. 

Like I said, I have no problem with sex in books what I have a problem with is shite writing making it to the top of best seller list. What I have a problem with is friends approaching me with “Hey, you read books. Have you read these Christian Grey books, they’re amazing?” A very special mention here to the lovely friend who approached me yesterday with “Hey have you read these Fifty Shades of Grey books? I was reading it last night and thought of you. I thought God, Elaine would hate this”. Mystery friend, I love you for that. 

One thing that I have found strange about the whole phenomena is why people are admitting to  reading them? As far I am aware most women of my acquaintance are not spending their evenings reading Mills & Boon, so why these? I admit they’ve got appealing covers but so has 'The Sisters Brothers' (and I guarantee you it’s a much better read). Also, didn't sexual proclivities use to be a private thing?  Did I miss the memo that stated all sexual desires must be acknowledged, in detail on my Facebook timeline?

Anyway, I have to admit I feel better for getting that off my chest. I can maybe face the world (and eventually Facebook) for having ranted. All that’s left to say is if you have been affected by any of the issues raised in today’s post, then there is a solution … 

HAVE SOME SEX. It’s clearly been too long for you.

Comedy Dickabout

The fabulous Rhod Gilbert hosts a monthly "Comedy Playground" (rebranded by Rhod after only 2 nights as Comedy Dickabout) at The Globe in Cardiff.  The  lovely RoathCardiff.net asked me to write a review of last months show and lo and behold you can find it here!


If you live in or just happen to be around Cardiff. I heartily suggest going!

There May Be Trouble Ahead

Well ladies and gentlemen, it has been a while hasn't it?  I am in fact still here and still breathing. Life*, Work** & sheer laziness*** have kept me from keeping you informed of my comings and goings.  With that in mind then it's clearly got to be something really special to have lured me back onto my poor neglected blog and boy would you be right.  Yes world, It appears I have a new musical love.

If you know my father (and I know some of you do) you'll know 4 things about him:

1. His hair is just crazy (to the point of madness)
2. He's amazing (to the point of madness)
3. He's fair (to the point madness) 
4. He can sense whether something is great, or shite, in about 2 seconds flat

Now I'm not claiming to have inherited all of these characteristics but two I definitely have.  Point 4 thankfully is one of them.  I know virtually instantly if I'm going to love or hate something, especially when it comes to music.  As an example, when I was 18 I once bought three albums by an artist based on a 5 second snippet of song I heard on a TV programme.  After listening to them, I was vindicated and in fact still own (and listen to) the three albums today.

I can't even count how many times my husband has scolded me for spontaneously downloading albums in the middle of things, based on snippets of songs I've overheard.  I stand by it though.  I've rarely, if ever, been wrong!  My latest find however is a real corker.

Sky Arts played sets from most of the major festivals this year and one of the sets included a couple of songs from soul rock band Vintage Trouble.  After about 30 seconds I turned to Bryan and decreed that they were good.  A few minutes later I had acquired the album and my great taste in music was celebrated by one by all (well, me and Bry mostly). Also, as luck would have it they were coming to Cardiff in Dec and better than that tickets were £9.  Bloody marvellous!

The concert was on Monday 19th December at the Glee Club and my God was it good.  Put quite simply, this was one of the best gigs I've ever been to.

The BEST concert I've ever been to was Prince.  An absolutely mind blowing performance from one of the greatest (irregardless of whether you love or loathe him) musicians in the world. Stiff competition for a band from LA that's been together for less than 2 years. In all honesty though, they're not too far behind!

The lead singer Ty Taylor has a voice that simply makes you want to lick everything in the room.  Note perfect and smoother than a cashmere codpiece he damn near hypnotises you.  Nalle Colt on guitars is a marvel.  There's a guitar solo towards the end of  'Run Outta You' that makes you want to drop to your knees ( in prayer people, in prayer).  Richard Danielson on drums and Rick Barrio Dill on Bass are also just incredible.

Thanks to the drunken dancing of one of our little party of 5 (I'm too nice to mention names) we managed to secure a surprisingly large dance floor for such a small venue and took full advantage of it.  In fact I danced so hard I couldn't actually bend my knees for a full 24hours after.  Physical injury, a sign of a good concert if ever there was one.

I always feel it's a great privilege to see great talent on the way up.  I have no doubt that Vintage Trouble are going to become huge.  Next time we get to see them in Cardiff I expect the band (and venue), will be much bigger.

A friend who had already seen the band said to me "I thought they were great musicians with great stage presence, but I didn't think that their songs are as good as the ones in their record collections". A rather smart and funny comment I thought and yes, I can see there's some truth to it.  The band have some very clear influences and with those in mind, some bloody big shoes to fill.  Give them a few years though. I've no doubt they'll get there.  I for one shall be watching them very closely.

Now as to the second quality i've inherited from my dad.  I'll let you decide.

I leave you now with Vintage Trouble on Jools Holland.  Enjoy!

*     Twitter
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*** Not Twitter

This Book Will Change Your Life

As you may well know, I'm rather a fan of musicals and for the last two weeks I have been completely and utterly obsessed with a brand new musical called 'The Book of Mormon'. 

Created by the people behind South Park and the guy behind the absolutely hysterical Avenue Q, you can imagine what kind of show this is.

The plot is simple.  Two missionaries (you know, the young, good looking American kids that knock on your door at tea time and try to tell you about Jesus) get sent to a village in Uganda in the hopes that they can convert the rather jaded population to The Church of Jesus Chris of Latter Day Saints. The villagers they encounter are cynical to say the least.  They have some very real & scary issues not to mention a warlord to contend with.  They feel God has turned His back on them and so they have forsaken Him. 

So how do two young Mormons go about converting these people? Well one of them decides he can do a lot more good in Orlando and the other decides to simply make stuff up.  In order to get the people to listen he makes the book a lot more relevant to his audience (adding elements of Star Trek & Lord of the Rings while he's at it).  The moral implications of these scriptural changes are neatly debated in the song 'You're Making Things Up Again'. 

When the villagers come to see that this religion speaks to their problems, they start to come round and eventually convert.  There's a fantastically funny track at this point called 'Baptise Me' which plays like a love song and contains the rather unsubtle (yet very funny) lines “I've been dowsed by the Heavenly Father” and “I'm wet with salvation”. 

My favourite lines in the whole show however are the following:

“I'm gonna take you back to biblical times, 1823”

&

“I believe that in 1978 God changed His mind about black people”

One of the best songs in the whole show is called “Turn It Off”. This is a dangerously catchy little number about how to keep those awkward homosexual feelings at bay.  Word of advice though, never ever listen to it on a bus.  I laughed out loud for 5 minutes straight.

With the creatives in mind it would be easy to dismiss this show out of hand as offensive and blasphemous but that's simply unfair.  Yes, it's shocking and does point out some of the more peculiar aspects of the religion but the overall feeling of the show is one of affection.  Despite the atheist beliefs of practically everyone involved in the show, there's a heart-warming feeling about it and ultimately it says that there is a place for faith, even in the most awful of circumstances. 

If you're open minded (and a fan of musicals) I can not recommend this enough.  Some of the subject matter is unpalatable to say the least but taken in the spirit it's intended, I don't think you can help but be charmed by this show.

I have a feeling I'm going to be listening to it for a long time to come.   If you've got 5 minutes check out the inspired performance of Andrew Rannells singing 'I Believe' at the Tonys where the show took home 9 awards!

A New Blog for Bookworms

Books these days seem to be covered in spiel.  Things such as "This book will change your life' or "I couldn't put it down" decorate almost all the books you see.  For the most part however, these little blurbs are far from the reality.  

Sick of the hyperbole my bookgroup has set up 'A Riotous Oil-Painting'.  A blog dedicated to giving you the lowdown on what the reviewer really should have said. 

So if you like books (or simply hate reviewers) and have ever been lured into purchasing by the promise of "A riotous oil-painting of senility, lust and greed", only to find a faded watercolour then mosey on over to the blog.

It's very much a work in progress at the moment so bear with us!

A Little Night Music

Gerard Way - My Chemical Romance
CIA Cardiff

Well Monday night I went to see My Chemical Romance at the CIA in Cardiff. Terrified I was going to be the oldest member of the audience I emo’d up and after a liberal application of eye liner I felt ready to face the crowd.

As it turns out I wasn’t the only grown up there. There were plenty of us. Granted most of them did seem to be chaperoning their ‘yoof’ but for my own self confidence I neatly ignored that fact.



The Blackout

The concert was very good. Not much interaction with the audience but they came, they performed well and they left. I suppose you can’t really ask for much more. I’m not a huge fan but I do like some of their tracks and if I’m perfectly honest, after a busy couple of months I really needed to let my hair down. So I did and had a cracking, wild night.

The highlight of the night though was undoubtedly Welsh band ‘The Blackout’ who were supporting. They played their wee souls out and barely stopped chatting with the crowd. They even had us all kneel down which is an interesting vantage point for a rock concert!

On a rather different musical note, I’m going to see a singer/songwriter called ‘Teddy Thompson’ at the Glee Club tonight. If I’m honest, I have no idea who he is or what his music is like but tickets were reasonable and there’s nothing wrong with a little bit of mystery on a Wednesday night.

Personally I’m hoping for a mellow, eyeliner free evening. I’ll keep you posted.

Teddy Thompson

A Trip To Florence

Thursday the 10th June saw me, my husband and some friends standing in Coopers field, Cardiff waiting for Florence & The Machine to come on stage.  As excited as a kitten, I'd been looking forward to this concert for quite a while.  

Since listening to the album 'Lungs' at the end of 2009 I've been rapidly falling in love with Florence Welch.  I'm afraid as well as a wonderful ethereal voice and legs that don't seem to end, Florence also has a wardrobe I would give my right eye for.  

The concert was held in a large, open circus tent and it was a little claustrophobic as around 30,000 fans tried to inch towards the stage.  Thankfully we'd claimed our spot reasonably early and had a relatively good view. 

I freely admit to being a bit of an odd concert go-er.  While a view is wonderful, I seem to spend most of my time with my eyes closed just letting the music wash over me.  The sound at Coopers field was, as expected for such a large gig, pretty shite.  However, we were close enough to be able to feel the music and hear it reasonably well.  Anytime poor Florence spoke however, I don't think any of us heard a word.  Still, lets be honest, I wasn't there to hear how she'd spent her day. I was there to hear her sing and sing she did!

The concert kicked of with 'Howl' which is one of my favorites from the album.  A savage song, about carnal lust which I just can't get enough of: 

"The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hallowed ground"

This raw, animalistic sentiment is in a lot of her songs and when you consider her porcelain appearance, you'd be forgiven for thinking the concert would be a rather tame affair but far from it, the girl performed with a wild fury that really befits her lyrics.

Florence also performed a new track which sounded fantastic. I think it was called 'Strageness', although to be fair, with the poor sound I could be completely wrong. 

Other personal highlights included, Girl With One Eye, Cosmic Love, Dog Days Are Over and Rabbit Heart.  All of which built to a rather orgasmic climax.

The only negatives of the night were the crappy sound and the claustrophobic heat.  I left craving a bottle of water, longer set list, 2nd album & another concert!

This Is War . . . But Not As We Know It

Well after several listens to the third & much hyped 30 Seconds To Mars album, I feel that I am now finally in a position to comment on it.

It's not really very good.

Not the harshest criticism the band has received for it's latest release, i'm sure, but still I think it's a fair review.  It's not bad that's for sure, oh no I would never go that far. It's just not that good either. Despite the massive production on some tracks it still manages to feel like something produced by a band that got themselves a brand new Yamaha keyboard for Christmas.  A really good yamaha, top of the line and all that, not like the ones you and I would have been gifted, but still, the result is the same. 

What's worse though are the rather awful lyrics.  Now as a supposed EMO band I give them a pretty easy ride on the lyrics front anyway, but this is just appaling.  Cliche after cliche seeps from every pore of this album.  Here's an example.  Have a gander at the snappy opening to Search & Destroy:

"Grab your gun. Time to go to hell.  I'm no hero.  Guilty as charged.  Search & Destroy"

I think my point has been made!